Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize