Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize