Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
