You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
