my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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