I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
