I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just had sex on a roof
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
