I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
