Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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