You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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