my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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