I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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