i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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