I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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