My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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