I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
