I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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