how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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