Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I'm really busy with my period
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