Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
