I faked an abortion last night.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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