There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Oh god it's open bar.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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