watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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