she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
