I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
