The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
