I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
