remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
