george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize