Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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