i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
