Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
