Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
