I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
