threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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