Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
