Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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