I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
