a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
