The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
