they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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