i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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