theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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