The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
