I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize