I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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