My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
