i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
