I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize