Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Randomize
