On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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