my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
