i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
