I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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