She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
