you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
