Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
