I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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