i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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