Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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