Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
