Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
