The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
that's an acceptable place to lick
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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