I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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