Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
