Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
