you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
