Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
