I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
