You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
