i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
