then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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